Naturally as a therapist, I receive a lot of requests for couples’ counseling. There are many issues couples need help with, in sorting through challenges, disagreements, challenges, problems and frustrations. Many individuals in a couple relationship expect me to side with them in their endeavors to show the other person in the relationship how they are wrong for having their position. I have grown in my ability to not let this happen since doing so tends to endanger the therapy process and possibly add to the problems in the couples’ relationship. Oftentimes individuals in the couples’ relationship will talk to me as if they are talking to their significant other; almost as if using my voice for theirs. Most of the time, I sit listening and wondering and observing. I try to notice the “trees in spite of the forest” by simply trying to maintain a neutrality that’s healthy for all concerned.
Sometimes one person in the relationship or the other do not think I am providing real therapy unless of course I take their position and really pounce on the other person in the couples’ relationship. At times, at certain critical junctures when raw emotions are being expressed, one of the people in the couples’ relationship wants me to subtly form an alliance with them so they can gain an advantage and at times have their agenda carry the day. Little do they know until brought to their attention that my job is to not take sides but to facilitate common ground, to aid effective communication, to foster reconciliation and to help create solutions in a collaborative manner. During these counseling therapy opportunities in a majority of the cases, I can’t help to notice that each party is trying to show the other party how they are wrong. Each party expends great effort and time and tension in trying to talk the other party out of their opinion and position on topics of great magnitude and importance.
Oftentimes each party is quite honestly guilty of not really listening, considering and respecting different positions and thoughts. Their mind is made up and in some sort of gamesmanship pride and bantering will not even consider modifying or adjusting or compromising to suit the other person. These efforts, or lack thereof, turn into underlying bitterness and anger that tarnishes and depreciates conversations which eventually turns into long term communication problems. When communication difficulties become deeply rooted, then each party retires to their “camps” and a polarization as cold as ice sets in. When communication polarization is full grown then we just throw darts across the room at each other; darts of complaints, bickering, distrust and a negative complacency instead of mutual respect and appreciation of differences. If every crayon was red just like us, would we ever have the chance to have a favorite color? The process above is a total waste of energy – i.e. trying to incessantly talk and argue and fight the other person out of their position.
Maybe the other person’s position has merit but we can’t see it because we’re polarized and petty. Why not take the best of both? Why can’t we as couples take a little from each person’s position and create a new position? Why does it always have to be our way? I thought we are supposed to be partners on the same team. Why don’t we act like it? Why do we act like our significant other is the enemy? Why can’t we have solution oriented, mature conversations that actually accomplish something rather than making each party angry and/or feeling not heard and validated? Why don’t we stop with our anger and nonsense and try to see the way our significant other sees it for once? If we do this, we may actually learn something! Men, listen to your partner. If she is not some control freak from hell bossy nut job, then listen to her; do, act, reconsider and compromise; love on her instead of bad mouthing her every time you turn around – she’s still the special person you met a long time ago. Ladies, if you partner is not some brutish, control freak sergeant slave driving negative insecure jerk-wad creep, then consider his opinions and appreciate the strength he has to offer.
Compromise, calm down, talk, endeavor to exercise teamwork, appreciate, work together not against one another. Life’s too hard, why create enemies in our own homes? Nurture, fertilize, listen, calm down, respect, encourage, compliment, savor, enhance don’t compete, point out the good things don’t just nag about the negative things, say thank you every once in a while, and then say it some more, decorate don’t deconstruct, build up don’t tear down. Don’t exclude, don’t isolate, don’t punish: Take the Best of Both and create a new something new, even if you have to wipe the slate clean and build new habits, new ways of approaching things, new ways of talking, new efforts to get along and new ways to love on and care for one another. Why not, what’s stopping you? Take the Best of Both!